Welcome to Summer: Totemic Potato Salad

I don't generally consider myself to be A Food Purist, but there is only one right way to make potato salad. We had friends over for a dinner last weekend in which the Famous Morey Potato Salad played a starring role; since I've spent the better part of this weekend with those same friends AND summer has finally arrived for real, this seemed like a good time to share the recipe. I've made this on so many occasions and for so many different people that it's practically become totemic. Even people who think they don't like potato salad often like this one (if you're one of those people who thinks you don't like potato salad, I hope you're not confusing this with that nasty-ass stuff from Gordon Food Service, which can only be called "potato salad" in the furthest reaches of the marketing department's imagination.) 

I was going to take a picture of the potato salad but we ate it all.

The real deal is simple enough to make, even for a crowd (personal record: 80). My 40th birthday was an excuse to buy an enormous metal bowl that I refer to as the Cauldron of Awesomeness, specifically purchased so I can make sufficiently vast quantities when called for. It holds 20 pounds of potatoes with enough room to stir comfortably; is big enough to bathe the dog in (not, however, at the same time); and bringing it up from the storage shelf in the basement invariably means fun is afoot. 

Obviously I have no way of knowing what size recipe you'll need for your own summer fun, so I'm listing the ingredients per pound of potatoes. Scale accordingly. A few tips about ingredients: 

• Redskin potatoes are really the best here. You can substitute Idaho potatoes if you need to, but the texture and flavor aren't the same. If you do substitute, peel the potatoes before cooking them. 
• Use Hellman's, please (unless you're making your own mayonnaise, which is freakin' awesome). Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise. I don't know what it is, exactly, but it's not mayonnaise. 
• You can use white vinegar if you don't have cider vinegar. 
• Mustard has no place in this potato salad. Nor do chopped bell peppers, pickle relish, garlic salt, pimentos, carrots, parsley, dill, Ranch dressing, cornstarch, butter, evaporated milk, bacon, cheese, horseradish, or any of the other weird ingredients I've seen. 

Famous Morey Potato Salad

For each pound of redskin potatoes:

3-4 green onions or 1 small white onion
1 large stalk celery
1 hard-boiled egg
1/2 cup Hellman's mayonnaise
splash of cider vinegar

Boil the potatoes until a fork goes in easily, then drain and cool. When the potatoes are cool enough to handle, peel off as much of the skin as you easily can and cut the potatoes into cubes. They don't need to be diced - this is not a delicate dish! - but you want to be able to get more than one piece of potato on your fork at once. 

Mince the onion and celery and add it to the bowl with the potatoes. Cut the egg in half, put the yolk in a small bowl, and chop the white. Add the chopped egg whites to the potatoes, then salt and pepper to taste.

Mash the yolk with a fork, then add the mayonnaise and a splash of vinegar. Mix well, then dip a potato cube in for a taste test. It should be creamy and eggy with just a little bit of tang from the vinegar; add more mayo or vinegar to suit yourself.

Add the mayo mixture to the potatoes and mix well. It should be a little gloppy at this point, since the potatoes will absorb some of the dressing. If you need to make more dressing, I highly recommend mixing it in the small bowl first and adding a little at a time.